Cardinal Rule #3: Keep Your Cards Close to the Nest!!!!

By Beandipdodg

Wow, did you see that? Coach W gets applause here for the gutsy move to the No-Fuddle offense. Credos to the players, also, as the effort was immediately intensified on both sides of the ball. Sadly, the Big, Bad Ravens had swooped in for points and our Red Bird was cooked!!

Don’t worry about the officiating and the Final Drive. That’s just part of being a Cardinal Fan. See Cardinal Rule #1 (below) – Have Fun!!!

Hey, did I mention the Opening Day Jitters by the Members of the Nest? Well, Momba Cath was replaced quicker than Matt Leinart, by her son, KidKevin of Flag, who came down from the Staff to join Mombo Jerry. Hello to brother, KidCraig, too!! Come back soon from Iraq!! You could be the guest of LS!! Not this time, though, it was SU to the rescue!! We had no miscues!! Just Opening Day Jitters, No Issues!!!

Now, let’s get to the future. The Mighty Solid Steelers are in town and we will need all our patience for this one!! Some people (nuts) are paying a lot of money to attend this game!! Not Me Man!! Regular Price, Please!!! A total repeat of the Seattle game would be just fine!! Beandip, Chips and Wings were the lucky combination and will be thrown into the fire, er, onto the dashboard with Suds in the icy cooler!! So, what’s up with the Nest’s Opening Day Winning Lineup? Can KidKev of Flag come down from the Staff? Will SU come to the rescue? Tune in and remember, this week, we will 1) Have a Good Time; 2) Be Prepared…for Anything, and 3) Keep Our Cards Close to the Nest!!

Advice to a Coach

When you are the coach of the Bad Karma Cardinals, there are certain things to expect. For example, don’t be surprised when you come from behind in the fourth quarter to tie the game, only to get slapped with a subjective personal foul call as the Cardinals did with Adrian Wilson’s hit on Todd Heap. The two games that the Cardinals have lost this year have been close. Coach, you don’t get bonus points for coming back in the fourth quarter but losing anyhow. We need wins now! We need Coach Whisenhunt to be more aggressive both in his play calling and his protection of his players over calls or non-calls made by the refs. Coach Whisenhunt: Here is some advice from Bartender Al:

1. Play Warner this week. The game is all about winning, not protecting Leinart’s self-esteem.
2. Play the whole game like it is the fourth quarter. Come out throwing the ball and playing aggressive.
3. Get in the refs’ faces with the bad calls or bad non-calls. Whisenhunt should have been protesting that personal foul call against Wilson and should have been asking the refs where the flag was when Todd Bienemann got clothes-lined by Ray Lewis.
4. When you need a big play, throw to Boldin or Fitzgerald. The third down play call to pass to Bryant Johnson was a mistake. Bryant Johnson has not made a big catch in his below-average career and Boldin and Fitzgerald end up being nothing more than highest paid decoys in the NFL. Let the big stars make the big plays.

Advice to the fans: If you are a season ticket holder like I am and you want to make this Sunday’s game worth it, consider selling your tickets at an inflated price to a Steelers fan and watch the game at home on the big screen or at a bar with some buddies. Remember, being a Cardinals fan, you must come up with the best option for yourself, and on game day the best option may be just not going!

Red Bird, No Turd!

Hey, Cardinal Fans: Savor this victory because you never know when the next victory will happen. Stand tall! Be Proud! The Cardinal Play was made by the other team! The Seattle Seahawks fumbled the hand off on what would have been a winning drive. The Cardinals recovered, drove down the field to put themselves in field goal position and Neil Rackers kicked it straight through the uprights. I had to pinch myself. We took advantage of a Seahawk mistake and didn’t screw it up!

Stand Outs: The physical play of the offensive and defensive lines was outstanding. The offensive line made holes for Edgerrin James and did not allow a sack. Lyle Sendlein, center, stepped in and did not miss a beat. Darnell Dockett (DT) got the push up the middle and got to the quarterback. Maybe the Cardinals for once got their money’s worth with the contract extension they gave to Dockett last year. Kudos goes to Coach Whisenhunt and Coach Grimm who, in my opinion, had the Cardinals playing more consistent throughout the whole game.

*Special thanks to Seattle Bob, a season ticket holder with Beandipdodg and me. He flew in from Seattle to cheer the Cardinals to victory and had to ride in the car with both of us as well as a pot of bean dip and a carton of wings. There has to be a special place for Bob in heaven—or is it hell??!!

Cardinal Rule #2: Be Prepared...For Anything!!!!

by Beandipdodg

Hey, how did the First Real Game go for you? Any problems or no-shows? Well, this one is for you!!! See, neither the HomerMotors nor the Spots made in to the lots. Truth is they called in advance to tell us: No Chance. But, that was OK, because we stayed staunch in our stance, parked in the nice, cool vehicle, partaking in Suds; Hot Wings; Chips and Beandip!! Stick to the Game Plan, no matter what happens!!

So, it was for the game!! No Cardinal Plays were recorded!! Therefore, no Cardinal Play analysis today!! Also, had a lot of fun because of strict adherence to Cardinal Rule #1, with, of course, a happy ending!!!! Wow, a “W”!!! Were you prepared for a post-game celebration? Wings and Beandip on the Dashboard?? Suds in an icy cooler?? Read my articles and remember Cardinal Rule #2: Be Prepared….for Anything!!!

The Cardinals: A Worn-Out Script

The Cardinals’ debut 2007 is another smashing debacle! Cardinal viewers around the globe are weighing in:

-- I guess the Cards peaked in ’46—other teams’ players were probably still returning from WWII.—Seattle Bob, Seattle, WA.

-- It’s like watching “Ground Hog’s Day” with these guys. Except we don’t have Bill Murray to make us laugh—Jersey Joe, Phx., AZ.

-- Boy, they laid a turd Monday night!—JaXed, Denver, CO.

Where does one start? Was it the producing? Well, it’s always the producing; as any good producer knows, the bigger the budget the better the chance at enticing better directors and better actors. Big Bird Turdwell, brother can you spare a dime?

Was it the directing? The ending to this production was totally unoriginal; if Coach Whisenhunt would look at film from the past four years, he would see that the Cardinals frequently don’t finish out a game. Coach Whisenhunt, please, play to win! Show some confidence. Throw the ball on 3^rd and 10 at the end of the game. Don’t put in the prevent defense, or as Cardinals’ fans call it, the “Prevent The Cardinal Win Defense.”

Was it the acting? At the start of the game Leinart threw an interception on a simple slant route, and Larry Fitzgerald looked like he was moving in slow motion. It was a poorly thrown pass and a poorly run route. Leinart did have time to throw throughout the game, but Boldin and Fitzgerald were not open. I said this last year, and I will say it again: The Cardinals spent way too much money on two receivers who are possession receivers. I would trade Fitzgerald for an offensive lineman or a speed receiver who can catch the ball. There are some bright spots among the players: The defense played well until the final series, and rookie Lyle Sendlein came in for hurt Al Johnson and played great.

Coach Whisenhunt, Cardinals players: We’ve seen this movie before. Next week we play Seattle, a much better team. Take some chances. Play to win. Maybe, seek out a Life Coach to deal with some of your timidity issues. Remember, the definition of mental illness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Hey, does anyone know of a group therapist for 53 players, one coach and several support staff?

The Cardinal's Play--Murphy's Law!!!

By Beandipdodg

Did you know that Murphy was a Cardinal fan? After witnessing heart-wrenching losses for seasons from the suite seats, he decided to get a life, cancel his tickets and do something else. He traveled great distances and encountered many new adventures. But, disasters followed him hither and yon and he died alone because everyone feared his presence, even in the afterlife. Amazingly, his lore lived on and today we proclaim Murphy’s Law when something goes inexplicably wrong at the very moment that is most fragile.

Are you a true Cardinal fan? Do you go the games to see friends? Do you know the definition of the Cardinal Play?? Fast forward and we are here, with you, at the veritable site of impending disaster!!

Redbirdbigturd.com

This column shall be devoted to describing the weekly Play without detail and will offer alternate solutions, when available. Coaches have come and gone, but the Cardinal Play seems constant. Good Luck, Ken!!

First, understand that routine fumbles, interceptions and the like will not qualify for the Cardinal Play. There must be some game-changing, back-breaking element involved in the equation. For instance, remember last year’s Ram game? Yeah, we were about to win the game!! Heck, we only needed a FG!!

Now, let’s not mention names. But, imagine the Head Coach on the sideline telling his players to run up the middle, then, we will kick the FG! Suddenly, it’s POOF, right before your eyes!!!! FUMBLE!!!!!!! The Rams recover and win the game by a point!!! Are you kidding me?? Next time, kick on 3^rd down!!!

Da’ Bears game was filled with Cardinal Plays, but we will remember THE post-game tirade more than any Cardinal Play from that day and will not waste space here changing your indelible image of the moment!!

OK, get ready. Let’s talk about our opening game…calmly, please. Though I stated, in a paragraph above, “routine fumbles, interceptions and the like” would not qualify for a Cardinal Play, I submit this to you: What about the First Pass of the Season???? El Paso Intercepto!!!! And, though it was not returned for the touchdown, the 49er’s offense tore up the remaining required yardage. So, let me know if you think this is A Cardinal Play! OK?? Also, alternate solutions were available at the time, but, have since disappeared.

Yes, they vanished at the end of the game when the 49er’s recovered their own fumble in the end zone. Cardinal fans everywhere should rejoice! We witnessed a real live, no doubt about it, Cardinal Play!! Complete with the Ghost of Murphy, standing on the sidelines, cursing the Cardinal defender’s foot into the murky, San Francisco Monster Park turf, producing a leap that would make Packer fans proud!! Unbelievably, unable to touch the ball, the Cardinal defender lies alone in the San Francisco Monster Park turf as the 49er’s celebrate, as if they had something to do with it. Murphy leaves quickly, he’s had fun!!

But, it is a new year and we have a new coach and a new attitude. So, let’s look on the bright side and fear not Murphy’s Law! Read this column each week and you’ll know the score. We’ve got 15 games to go! Moreover, send me your comments on this column, as well as, any other column. Even your own thoughts!

See you at the game and come back for more laughs and Really Insightful Cardinal Football Lore!!

GO CARDINALS!!!!

Cardinal Recipe #2: Bean Dip for a Crock Pot

By Beandipdodg

Cardinal Recipe #1: Hot Wings on the Dashboard is listed below this article. You may want to read it 1st! As well as Cardinal Rule #1 – Have a GOOD TIME!! I say this because as noted therein, the purpose of this column is to offer recipes that will make you welcome everywhere, so you can have a GOOD TIME!

OK! Let’s get out the Crock Pot and a good-sized sauce pan. At the store, we bought Two (2) Big Cans of No Fat Refried Beans – that seems to be the spiciest; Two (2) Small jars of salsa – Hot and Medium; Two types of cheese – a yellow and a white; a Green Chile, Green Pepper, Carrot, Onion and some Celery.

Some people skip the sauce pan and throw the whole thing in the Crock Pot and let it cook on high for an hour, stirring when needed. But, it’s your lucky day. Here is the whole enchilada, for your pleasure!!

Empty a can of Refried Beans in the Crock Pot and turn on high, then, a jar of salsa in the sauce pan - low.

Then, chop the Green Chile, Carrot and Green Pepper and add to sauce pan. Bring to simmer and cut up some cheese, please. Then, throw all that in the Crock Pot, stirring as necessary. Want to do that again? Well, it’s a good thing, because now we repeat the Refried Beans into the Crock Pot and the salsa into the sauce pan on low. Cut the celery and onion and add to sauce pan. Bring to simmer and cut cheese, please. Throw it all in the Crock Pot and mix it up!!! Get your chips, tortillas, etc. and you are ready for the game!

Like I mentioned in Cardinal Rule #1, upon safe arrival, our first play is to take lots of Chips and Bean Dip and beverages to meet the Spots in the lots. They, too, are prepared with Brats, but not Tots. But, again, they leave for their sweet suite seats and we must return to our nice vehicle. It is not cool. But, that’s good because the Crock Pot will be HOT! HOT! HOT! Now, you know the drill; Grab the Crock Pot, et al. Hi!! Ho!! Hi!! Ho!! It’s off to the the HomerMotors we go!!

Again, we park in a lot between the HomerMotors and the Spots, so it’s not too much walking around. Hey, survival upon arrival, so, Eat, Drink!! But, just as the fun has really begun, it’s game time!!

Did you bring the Cardinal Souvenir Cup from the last game? This is the BIG RECYCLE MOMENT!!! Pour your beverage in that cup, drink and throw away. Then, remember to keep those you buy at the game.

Now, you are ready!! You are welcome everywhere!! Here’s to the Standing Invitation!!

But, wait, do not forget the teachings of Cardinal #1 – Have a GOOD TIME!! Do Not Watch The Game!!

Send me your tailgating tales and read me next week and, until then, GO CARDINALS!!!

Cardinal Recipe #1: Hot Wings on the Dashboard

By Beandipdodg

Hey, did you read my other column? Cardinal Rule #1 – Have a GOOD TIME!! It is a prerequisite because as described therein, the purpose of this column is to offer recipes that will make you welcome everywhere!

After a year at the University of Phoenix stadium, the most important lesson we have learned is to bring food and our own beverages!! Furthermore, Bartender Al, Seattle Bob and I have discovered certain consumables are better when the weather is hot. In September and October, for instance, Hot Wings are GRRRREAT!!! True, they are PHOENOMINAL in all other times, but particularly for the first few games. Then, you gotta’ get lots of ‘em!! Also, more than one kind, please. Hot is my personal choice, but others may enjoy some other spice, so I get different types. How many????? We will need a bunch, because we will munch before eating them for lunch. Then, don’t you know, we’ll want mo’ after the show!!! A little pre-game planning let’s us know about how many will be attending the different parties before and after the game and we’ll get more than enough wings to last the rest of the day! Remember the Standing Invitation!!

Anyway, here we go with: Hot Wings on the Dashboard, which is not to be confused with any Meatloaf.

#1 Place a towel on the dashboard, so nothing gets messy..

#2 A little water in the pan to keep the wings moist.

#3 Paper towels, paper plates, etc.

Put the wings in the pans and note which type!! We will want to munch on the way to lunch in the nice, cool vehicle or when the train stops us on the way! So, get your munchies before we start and buckle up!!

When we get to the lots, we’ll put the towel on the dashboard and the pans on the towels! As mentioned in Cardinal Rule #1, our first play is to take a big plate of wings and beverages to meet the Spots in the lots. They, too, are prepared with Brats, but not Tots. When they leave for their sweet suite seats, we will return to our nice vehicle and it will not be cool. But, that’s good because the wings will be HOT! HOT! HOT! Now, repeat the same steps, big plate of wings and our own beverage and off we go to the HomerMotors!!

We are parked in a lot between the HomerMotors and the Spots, so it’s not too much walking around. It’s survival upon arrival, so, Eat, drink!! But, just as the fun has really begun…. It’s time to go to the game!!

Did you bring the Cardinal Souvenir Cup from the last game? This is the BIG RECYCLE MOMENT!!! Pour yourself a beverage in that cup and let’s go to the game!! Throw it away and remember to keep those purchased during the game.

As for the Hot Wings on the Dashboard, cover them, they will be waiting and will be HOT! HOT! HOT!

Ready to be consumed while waiting to exit the lots or to return to the HomerMotors, for one more shot!!!

Here’s to the Standing Invitation!! You will be welcome everywhere!!

Send me your comments with tailgating stories. Read me next week and, until then, GO CARDINALS!!!

Cardinal Rule #1: Have a Good Time!!!!

By Beandipdodg

After years of being a Cardinal season ticket holder, I have discovered the secret - Don’t watch the game!!

Oh, that may be a little harsh. But the point is to enjoy the day, despite risking misery just by being there.

The purpose of this article shall be to inspire the readers to overcome all odds and HAVE FUN!!!

In the beginning, there was Bartender Al, convincing me to purchase a seat that was available next to him at Sun Devil stadium. You see, he and Seattle Bob had seats in front of Mombo Jerry and Mamba Cath. My seat would be in front of LS, who always had a different guest. Ah, the old days in Tempe….meet at Bandersnatch and hit the Library and Fat Tuesday’s on the way out. It was easy to have a great day!

As a group, we were able to relocate our tickets and sit together in the stadium, but, our parking passes are not in the same universe. So, the meeting place is now our seats and we have to adjust!

Have you had this experience????? Well, this one’s for you!!!!!

Bartender Al, Seattle Bob and I work with great vigor to hook up with other friends, the Spots, who park in the same lots before each game. Pre-drive coordination is very important because the Spots are in the lots early and we want share foam, fixings and futile dreams of victory. Yep, they have sweet suite seats and leave the spot in the lot long before we are ready. So, after leaving them, we traverse a lot to rendezvous with the HomerMotors! No Bars Holed!!! This is the way to go!!!! It is difficult to get the big rig to stop, but there is a place for them and we have their number. Proper preparation allows us to bring a significant amount of foam and fixings, so that we do not feel guilty eating and drinking everything they’ve got!!! Moreover, we have a standing invitation! We can stay as long as we are standing. Handy after the game!!

But, let’s get to the action. Hey, did you take your souvenir beer cup home last game? Well, here is a true opportunity to give back. Use them as the WalkInContainer and throw them away upon entering the gates.

Really!! This is not a Clog in the Blog!!! Just Do It!!

Our First Game (or FEW) will be hot!!! Hot! Hot! Hot! So, get inside and get a beverage. Wait, I have to go to the bathroom. GRRREAT BEER!! OK, let’s go! No food necessary, we have the major food groups right in the cup. Now, let’s get to our seats. Hello, Mombo Jerry and Mamba Cath!! They are always there early!! Just like your Ma and Pa. Let’s chat and sip and sip and chat until the arrival of LS and guest.

All hands are on deck. Remember my opening advice. Be disciplined. You can’t win the game in the first quarter. This is not a sprint; it’s a marathon. Save your strength. Don’t panic. Take deep breaths and turn to the person beside you and talk about another game or team or anything. It is not too early to hunker down and finish your first foam. Just, DON’T WATCH THE GAME!! You may increase the inherent risk of total loss of the fun that has been accumulating for 4 hours!! So, DON’T WATCH THE GAME!!

Again, this may be a little harsh, but you never know when THE THEORY OF THE CARDINAL PLAY shall become a reality. Now, to be fair, I did see Gabe Watson recover a fumble way downfield that obliterated an attempted CARDINAL PLAY during the preseason. So, I could be wrong. Feeling lucky??

N ot Me, Man. I have already left the planet for another cup of foam. The view is good all over the stadium. Like knowing the flowers from the trees, or whatever. You can always go back, but it’s never the same. If the Cardinals were ahead…..Hut, Hut, Move the Chains, Move the Chains, Move the Chains, MOVE!! Lots and Lots of Sots are in front of me at the Foam Stand and in the aisle on my way back to the future. Even I have difficulty drinking without spilling, so patrons in front of me should always be alert!!!

Bartender Al, Seattle Bob and I have worked together for years and do not need to signal each other because we know the other will be there and ready to vacate aforementioned planet before halftime to face the masses with flasks and glasses and get quickly in line for Foam and Food. When you acquire more experience, you know not to eat and drink. There will be time for all that later. Hey, Souvenir cup time!!

Ideally, we have returned to the planet in time to chat further with Mombo Jerry and Mamba Cath, as well as, LS and guest. But, there is no place like home and we have yet to determine a post-game meeting place.
So, we shake our heads and smile and BOOM!! It’s time for the Second Half. Now, we’re halfway home!!

No, we’re not there yet. Talk, sip your suds, something….but, DO NOT WATCH THE GAME!!!! DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! You can’t win the game in the 3^rd quarter either, but are we close???? Yeah, we’re getting there. But, first, REMEMBER: THIS IS THE LAST CALL FOR ALCOHOL!!!! Repeat exercise from the end of the first half and you too can sip suds for the REST OF THE GAME!!

So, now, is it time?? Not by a long shot. Speaking of long shots, if the CARDINAL PLAY has not occurred yet, it is not a long shot that it will happen soon. Can you say RAMS? How about Da’ BEARS?? Need I say more? Well, then I will. “It ain’t over until it’s over” is a famous phrase coined by Yogi Berra. Truth be told, the original comment was made after a loss to the Giants when a Cardinal victory fell into the jaws of defeat. But, a member of the Bidwell family was the only person to hear it and the rest is history.

But, we are Cardinal fans and we’ll wait in the stands until our ship comes in. This means that we will be there when Marcel Shipp plays. Suddenly, it arrives: THE END OF THE GAME!!! Kind of like hide and seek, you can come out now!! Yes, if the Last Play is the First Play you watch, you will probably be pretty happy. It’s like the Phoenix Open (oh, shush, I know it’s the FBR). The less golf you see, the more fun!!!!

Did we Win?? Did you have a Good Time?? Which is the question and which is the illusion???

Who cares, Elvis has left the building and they’re telling us to get out, too. Don’t forget the Souvenir Cup!!

So what if the Spots have left the parking lots. We’re still standing!!!!! To the HomerMotors we go!!!!!!

But, autumn leaves must fall and the security guard is telling us not to stall, it’s time to pack up our fixings.

We have had a GREAT TIME!! But, did we Win?? Like dust in the wind, it’s déjà vu all over again.

Check out my other column for weekly recipes that will make you welcome everywhere!!

Cardinal Team Management or "The Nitwit Zone"

There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to Cardinal’s fans. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between incompetence and stupidity, between the illogical and the irrational, and it lies between the pit of Cardinal’s fans fears and the summit of, well, even more fear. This is the dimension of Cardinal Team Management. It is an area which we call "The Nitwit Zone.”

In examining the nebulous world of Cardinal Team Management, a fan can only scratch his or her head in confusion over the preseason decision making of Coach Ken Whisenhunt and General Manager Rod Graves. Two draft picks have been cut, 3^rd round pick Buster Davis (LB) and 7^th round Ben Patrick (TE), as well as Brandin Gorin (OT), a trade from the New England Patriots (for a 6^th round pick if he made the team or a 7^th round pick if he didn’t make the team). The Cardinals were 5 and 11 last year, a record which would suggest ample opportunity to find appropriate draft picks to fill the team’s needs. We at Red Bird Big Turd do not argue that the above players performed poorly in the preseason and needed to go, but we also wonder how and why they were picked in the first place. Do Whisenhunt and Graves use The Magic Eight Ball in finding their draft picks? Do they play Paper, Rock, Scissors? Whatever they do, their lack of vision in filling out their roster, has forced us to dub the 2007 Cardinal draft the first Cardinal Play of the season. Usually The Cardinal Play is committed by players on the field after they make a bone-headed maneuver that will cost them the game. This time, however, we’re attributing the first Cardinal Play to the management in failing so miserably with their draft that they only have three picks making the team (Levi Brown OT, Alan Branch DT and Steve Breasson WR).

Another curious move made by Cardinal Team Management is cutting Scott Player. We know that the Cardinals had to pay Buster Davis a 600,000 dollar signing bonus. Did they cut Player, not because he was a worse punter than Barr, but because he was more expensive at a salary of 750,000 versus Barr’s 250,000? By cutting Player, the Cards have made up 500,000 of the 600,000 dollars they paid out to Davis. Was cutting Player a move made in the best interest of the team or just another cheapskate ploy to save Big Bird Turd Bidwell and Bitty Bird Turd Bidwell money? Whatever the case, this move has cost Cardinals an experienced holder.

But on a positive note, if this were Denny Green, he would have kept every draft pick, despite their performance in the preseason. So, at least this year the Cards don’t feel like they have to dance with every single player they brung. And so away we go, straggling into the 2007, hoping that this year’s debut on Monday night football will show some progress, some bit of competence, some hope of something. Please, Whisenhunt, please show us something.